MarriedandWhatnot

I am not suicidal, this was just a line from a conversation I had with my friend Art the other day. We were talking about life choices and where we currently are. I was telling him how much I love my family, and I wish I had the foresight to cut out foolishness from my past so my future would be secure. A lot of bad choices I made were due to lack of education. Not necessarily scholarly education, but wisdom (say from an elder or mentor). Somebody to show me the ropes, and warn me as to what to do and what not to do. I feel I was limited growing up where I did because it was hard for us to see outside of that. Now I am at a point where I feel stuck in this situation (career path) where I have to stay due to provision because my past choices removed the opportunity for me to pursue things I like to do. I definitely am not living out my dream job by any means. I am a creative person in a white padded room with my arms tied and a box of colored pencils within reach…but I can’t seem to grasp them (if you understood that you may be just as off as me). I feel like I have been in solitary confinement for days with a radio, but no where to plug it in. I am creative and artistic and musical and view the world in hues…but I am in a bland, tasteless, odorless Payless shoe box that I have thought myself out of, but can’t physically seem to extract myself from. And the funniest thing is even in the midst of my struggles, I still have the same desire and passion to help children and to be there for others. I enjoy (some) people and cherish life. I like to hear peoples life stories, I value forming relationships, and I reverence being that go-to or reliable person in folks corner. I am just a giving person who seems to constantly get things taken from me lately and it is beyond draining. I still have aspirations of continuing my (our) ministries, but I am just tired.

I actually wrote this blog last Monday and kept it as a draft thinking I would never publish, but Thursday I ran across my friends blog where he was talking about something similar. That inner struggle we have for what he calls the competitive balance where men are torn between what they WANT to do versus what they HAVE to do. I e-mailed him and told him how ironic our thoughts coincide, and it made me wonder how many men think the same way? A few years ago I read this book about a man struggling to support his family, and he came to a point in life that he called a double-bind where he felt the only way he could provide for them was to commit suicide so they could live off the insurance money. I am not suicidal by any means. I feel it is extremely selfish, and I have too many people relying on me. However when I heard this it did make my heart go out and wonder what made that man snap? I understand we (men) compartmentalize and don’t let out a lot of our frustrations, but what event happened that was so overwhelming it sent him over the edge? What failure? What hardship? What prayer not answered? What dream deferred? Things like this men never really talk about (hence the reason our lifespan is shortened due to health). Many men don’t have a good woman or friend to bounce these thoughts off of that would return sound spiritual advice without judging or holding over our heads, therefore most men just keep all their emotions bottled up. I was telling my friend sometimes I think I need depression medication, but then after I come down off my high (or low) then my problems would still exist, and I’d have to chase my next set of pills with alcohol (lol). Guess this post should have went to my crazy blog, but oh well. I’ll be back to normal shortly as my other personality usually resurfaces rather quickly.

I ran across this site via an e-mail from a colleague. If you get a chance check it out because this screen capture does it no justice. When you really sit back and absorb the magnitude of this (globally) it is overwhelming.

This past Christmas my wife went to the dollar store to get little extra gifts (stocking stuffers) for our sons. Since they tear up everything, these past few years we have learned how to embed cheap toys into the mix of gifts. During this visit she purchased this $.99 beach ball for my 2yr old little terrorist. This year was the first Christmas he really could enjoy his gifts, so he received a few items (eletronics, action figures, games, etc.). Out of all the gifts he received, this kid loves this ball more than anything in the world. I sat the other day and watched how he kicked it against the wall, threw it at his brothers heads, layed on top of it, hugged it. This ball brought him so much joy and is his favorite toy in the world. It made me think about what lengths we, as parents, go to provide for our kids and make sure they have nice things. Oftentimes we get stuck on material items, but in reality it is the little things kids remember. Yes I remember some toys I had, but what I remember more is my mom making homemade chocolate chip cookies and allowing me to assist her. I remember her helping me with my math homework (and going to school the next day with it all wrong). I remember us not having money for a real tent, but making one out of chairs and old blankets. Things of that nature will forever be etched in my memory. I guess when I look back, the best thing my mom ever gave me was her time.

Right now I am pretty proud to be a black man, and an American. I was talking to my wife today (because I called off), and as we watched the inauguration, it filled my heart with joy to hold my 2yr while this historic event took place. My wife and I talked about racism, and I advised her I truly don’t believe it will ever just go away. Whenever you have people from different backgrounds and something is foreign to someone, there will be preconceived notions and biases formed. What I do believe is that we will get to a point where a lot of this silly generation of old hatred will eventually die off. I do think we are making strides, but we are a long way from it. As we sat and watched, we became so tickled at the benediction given by Rev. Joseph E. Lowery. His words were so smooth, eloquent and well put together, then in the last line he cut up. Like most people his age, he has earned the right to say what whatever he wants. 

“….help us work for that day when black will not be asked to give back, when brown can stick around, when yellow will be mellow, when the red man can get ahead, man, and when white will embrace what is right.”

Pure comedy!

This weekend my son asked if I could spare some time from my work and come in his room and play a game with him. The way he asked was so cute I had to make the time, but I knew he had a motive and had apparently been practicing. Soon as I walk into his room, he already had the game loaded (Fight Night 2) with his little boxer he created waiting. I noticed he already chose my fighter, which was this boxer I created years ago when this game came out just being silly. His was quick, strong and young. Mine was like 44 yrs old and slow as molasses (see my excuses starting). We started playing, and my son was whipping my tail so bad I think that I actually got mad for a second. I had to calm down and just laugh it off, but they ganged up on me. It was like I was in that movie penitentiary or something as it felt like a prison fight. One son was by the door blocking the entrance, one was swinging from the tri-bunk bed, the 2yr old was throwing these thick azz Fisher-Price Pop Ons blocks at everyone’s head, and the oldest was sitting on the bed with me as they all laughed hysterically at daddy anticipating a KO. They might as well started burning paper and throwing it from the top bunk as them ganged up on me looked like a prison riot. Call myself gaining redemption and playing him in Madden…only to lose again. That is sad. My generation ushered in video games, and now I am getting thumped by a 9yr old.

I spent a good part of the day jamming our paper shredder at work as I refilled my Day Planner. I thought about how I would utilize it better in 2009. As I was discarding old info, a friend and I got into a discussion about time. I was basically sharing my viewpoints (similar to those I wrote in the blog about ROI of time). He was telling me how much money Bill Gates would lose if he dropped some money and took the time to pick it up. I Google’d this, and located an article entitled – Bill Gates Wealth Index. In this brief excerpt from the article, you can see the concept my friend was trying to tell me:

Consider that he made this money in the 25 years or so since Microsoft was founded in 1975. If you presume that he has worked 14 hours a day on every business day of the year since then, that means he’s been making money at a staggering million dollars per hour, around $300 per second. Which means that if, on his way into the office, should he see or drop a $1000 bill on the ground, it’s just not worth his time to bend over and pick it up. He would make more just heading off to work.

In my ongoing efforts to achieve world domination, I have discovered the part of my brain designated to organization needs therapy all by itself. Between employment, continuing education, coaching, managing a household of 5 people (and one on the way), writing, working/managing my own LLC, assisting my wife with her/our NPO….time allocation is important. I have always been a person to perform well under pressure, however it seems as if I have so much on my plate I can’t find a way to manage my time wisely. Sometimes I will literally have 25 things to do, and be so overwhelmed I may just sit there and surf through Facebook or read articles on ESPN. It is like my brain will shut down and I will sit there and just waste time. Or other times I will come home, and since I work in IT (in front of a PC all day), I don’t even remotely want to look at my home computer.

So this blog is more so a plea for assistance. I have a really nice Day Planner, but I think software would be a better option for me. I need a big visual reference of what I have to do, what has been done thus far, etc. I also need the ability to set deadlines and share them with my employees. I am looking for some good (preferably free) project/time management software. I have MS Office Project 2003, but that program seems like it is more of a hassle than anything. We use it at work frequently, but I don’t know how to incorporate that into my daily life. I have Google’d this several times, and recently have found a wave of online PM utilities. I don’t know if I can open my mind to that. On one hand you have the flexibility to adjust it on the go (e.g. work, on the road, via cell phone, etc.). On the other hand you have personal info which I can’t figure out if I necessarily feel comfortable putting that information on the net (an example would be huddle.net).

Any suggestions I’d appreciate it. Be blessed!

J

As I checked my email box this AM, I was saddened to hear one of my friends back in Ohio lost his father. There have been a lot of males around me who have passed recently; from my co-workers father-in-law, to my manager’s father, to my wife’s uncle. All have passed within a 4 week time span and all were fathers. It made me start thinking about life again. I won’t get all dreary and depress you like I did on the death blog, but when people pass away it does make you reflect on life, and time, and what we do while here. I always tell my friends that when I pass, I want to make sure that I left an impact on this world prior to departure. I want to leave a legacy for my children and generations to come.

Many of the guys I grew up with didn’t have our fathers in our lives. A lot of us also grew up with a lot of resentment and anger as a result. As I matured into an adult, I forgave and discovered there were life situations that completely changed how I viewed his absence. There was a time as a young man that I recall speaking to him prior to college, and even though he hadn’t been there my entire life I still valued his words and approval (which is something I never admitted that until years later). Regardless of how my feelings may have been hurt in the past, I had to make a conscious decision to let it go. Me holding on to that anger was obstructing the flow of blessings into my life. I remember soon as I let that anger go, I felt a shift in my life. I am not saying that changes anything from the past, but what I am saying is it opens doors for the future. You don’t have to be buddy buddy (because I am not) but you can at least be cordial.

I have another friend who was in a similar situation. He had a step-father who he considered his ‘real’ dad, and had resentment towards his biological. I remember some of the conversations we had about forgiveness. I remember during that period of time he was still upset with his father, but when he passed away how he broke down at the funeral. I am not trying to put peoples business out there, but I do want to make a point about how instrumental fathers are. Regardless of their presence, their words have a major influence over the way we view ourselves. My kids adore my wife, and love her more than anything, but there is something about their father’s approval that they need. I have various stories from my friends about their fathers not being around, but how his words still had influence over their lives.

I know there are a bunch of deadbeats out there, BUT what I have learned in life is there is always two sides to a story. I am sure for every no good babydaddy, there is a no good babymoma standing right there beside him. For every deadbeat dad, there is a mom dropping her kids off so she can go clubbing or to a bar. I am sure that will piss some women off, so let me pause and explain. I came from a single family home, and I seen how much my mother had to sacrifice for me. I know there was times she needed to get away if nothing but going on a weekend vacation with her cousins. I am know you need a break from time to time, but inappropriate is what it is. Take it with a grain of salt but some stuff mothers have no business doing (and I will leave it at that). What I am trying to point out is the fact society always labels men as no good, but never highlights the other psycho part of the equation. I wonder how many dads would actually come around if the ex wife / child’s mother didn’t (fill in your own blanks). Yes there are some men who are dogs, but come on now. Hollywood always portrays fathers who aren’t with the mothers as the scum of the earth. I was watching that terrible Meet The Browns, and it amazed me how heartless they wrote the fathers’ character. It was apparent the writer (Tyler Perry) has some issues with his dad, but come on now. Have you ever seen a man act that way towards his child? When I ask that question I don’t mean him not coming around when you want him to, I mean acting like he doesn’t care if the kid died? Let’s be honest, those Hollywood portrayals are a bit dramatic and far-fetched. But this is the image society paints when men and women are irresponsible and have children outside of a committed relationship.

I don’t want to dig too deep into that discussion, but I bring this up because I see that men need help. I personally don’t like the word ‘deadbeat’ because people tend to deduct without knowing the facts. I am not saying men don’t have some issues and that there aren’t bad ones out there, but what I am saying is continuing to beat men up verbally will not help the situation. We need to start uplifting males and encouraging them so we can get society back on track. There has been a major shift in roles. And why is there never any mention of the plethora of GOOD fathers out there?

If you know someone who is a father, regardless of if you deem them good or bad, just be the bigger person and show them some love today. Life is complicated and not worth wasting time being mad because your feelings were hurt. I know all relationships aren’t that cut and dry, but just forgive so things in your life aren’t hindered. Most relationships can be patched up with a few short words. I implore you to call, e-mail or write and encourage a father you know!

Digging through the vaults we decided to watch an old DVD last night – The Notebook. In my opinion, the best love story captured on film (that I’ve seen anyways). This story was well written, but what really drew me in was the courtship. Yes they kissed a lot, but the main male character (Noah) was more interested in taking their relationship beyond the physical realm. This man reached in and grasped a hold of her soul. I guess I can relate because that’s what I did to my wife. It is hard to explain, but you either see it, get it, or you don’t. He basically saw what others couldn’t within her, touched what others dared not to, ignited her passions that she desperately needed lit. He had her in such a way her body automatically gravitated to him as if they were spiritually connected. Yea buddy, that’s how Daddy (myself) was with my wife when we were courting. To this day her body (being, soul) still hungers to be near me because I massaged her heart in a way no other man could. She gravitates to me even in the midst of an argument. My love makes her feel compelled to reach my lips no matter where we are.

I don’t say this to be arrogant, but she is my soul mate and I worked hard and sowed into my wife to reap these benefits. It is really sad because it seems this younger generation has lost the ability to court properly due to various negative influences (peer pressure, male perception, media, etc.). All it is with them is sex sex sex. How they put it down, what they did, blah blah garbage. It is all about temporary gratification. How I feel right now. No one wants to sow seeds and sacrifice for a future relationship. I turned on the radio the other day, and I couldn’t believe how crazy these brothas were talking to (and about) women. What struck me even harder was the reality that they are saying it because they can. These women nowadays accept anything these fools are throwing at them. Think about this. You can have two girls arguing with one another…one telling the other she is just a jumpoff (casual sexual partner) and how she is his #1. Can you not see how foolish that sounds? This fellow has two women, and you are so desperate for a man that you are fighting for a position with a guy who apparently doesn’t value your worth. Saying you are the #1 is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Why would you want to be a number in a line with mulitple other women? Putting yourself at risk for heartache, and diseases which would even lead to death. You’d put your life at risk for what again?

Life is too short to be caught up in an unhealthy, unproductive relationship. Value your time. I am not going to go there or I’d be typing all day. Let’s just say one could really learn something from this flick. Noah touched her heart in a way no other man could. Years had passed and she still couldn’t get him out of her system. And here’s a thought…he made her fall in love without having sex with her. I will just end here before I go on a tangent about how sex confuses things, spiritual ties, etc. If you haven’t seen the movie and have some hours to spare, check it out.

The mrs had a doc appt today, so I took a half day. As I walked through the door, she darted out shortly after. My 4 and 2 yr olds were still hungry so the oldest pled his case for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I guess he decided to forfeit the canned ravoli that was prepared for him earlier. I tried to ignore his call as I stuffed my face with corn tortilla chips and this new salsa I picked up from the store (some triple pepper salsa). As I fed baby (nickname for the youngest) and myself, I wiped my hands clean on my shorts and began to prepare their sandwiches. I am very particular about peanut butter; it has to be Jiff. Choosy moms choose Jiff…well except for my wife. She is allergic to peanuts, so the poor thing has never experienced a PB&J, nor a Reese cup. Wow. In any case I made their sandwich with Jiff and strawberry Smuckers jam. Baby didn’t want his, so I split it with his brother. As I sat there and the roof of my mouth became glued, it took me back down nostalgia lane. It has been a long time since I had a PB&J. Sometimes it is the little things.

As a guy we always go through these phases with our boy toys. For me (for years) it has been electronic gadgets. I still want a new digi-camcorder along with 55′ plasma, but as of recently I have a new desire. I want a black boxer. I only had one dog growing up which was a german shep / collie mix. I loved that mutt, and when she died my mom was so hurt she vowed to never get a pet again. My dude ALL CAPS has…heck I don’t know what that lil heifer is. She is cute though, and it is funny how I tease him about her and how sensitive he gets (I still got some dogs that want to get on when you come to visit Dew).

Lately I have been fascinated with Boxers. I been looking into them for quite some time, but since my bro-in-law bought one my interest has once again been sparked. I have a friend back in OH who bought two boxers from the pound, and have another friend (PC geek) who has had one for years. My old-co-worker had a couple mini boxers. Every person who has one says the same thing about them. How they are such good dogs, so smart, etc etc. The thing is I am so fickle and I know exactly what I want. I don’t want the ears cut (like the floppy look) but I want the tail cut. I also want a black one with white paws similar to this…

(photos taken from blackchampionboxers.com)

Man those are some pretty dogs!! Maybe someone reading this post will be inspired by something I’ve written and give us one as a gift. Hey, I can dream. lol.