I am not suicidal, this was just a line from a conversation I had with my friend Art the other day. We were talking about life choices and where we currently are. I was telling him how much I love my family, and I wish I had the foresight to cut out foolishness from my past so my future would be secure. A lot of bad choices I made were due to lack of education. Not necessarily scholarly education, but wisdom (say from an elder or mentor). Somebody to show me the ropes, and warn me as to what to do and what not to do. I feel I was limited growing up where I did because it was hard for us to see outside of that. Now I am at a point where I feel stuck in this situation (career path) where I have to stay due to provision because my past choices removed the opportunity for me to pursue things I like to do. I definitely am not living out my dream job by any means. I am a creative person in a white padded room with my arms tied and a box of colored pencils within reach…but I can’t seem to grasp them (if you understood that you may be just as off as me). I feel like I have been in solitary confinement for days with a radio, but no where to plug it in. I am creative and artistic and musical and view the world in hues…but I am in a bland, tasteless, odorless Payless shoe box that I have thought myself out of, but can’t physically seem to extract myself from. And the funniest thing is even in the midst of my struggles, I still have the same desire and passion to help children and to be there for others. I enjoy (some) people and cherish life. I like to hear peoples life stories, I value forming relationships, and I reverence being that go-to or reliable person in folks corner. I am just a giving person who seems to constantly get things taken from me lately and it is beyond draining. I still have aspirations of continuing my (our) ministries, but I am just tired.
I actually wrote this blog last Monday and kept it as a draft thinking I would never publish, but Thursday I ran across my friends blog where he was talking about something similar. That inner struggle we have for what he calls the competitive balance where men are torn between what they WANT to do versus what they HAVE to do. I e-mailed him and told him how ironic our thoughts coincide, and it made me wonder how many men think the same way? A few years ago I read this book about a man struggling to support his family, and he came to a point in life that he called a double-bind where he felt the only way he could provide for them was to commit suicide so they could live off the insurance money. I am not suicidal by any means. I feel it is extremely selfish, and I have too many people relying on me. However when I heard this it did make my heart go out and wonder what made that man snap? I understand we (men) compartmentalize and don’t let out a lot of our frustrations, but what event happened that was so overwhelming it sent him over the edge? What failure? What hardship? What prayer not answered? What dream deferred? Things like this men never really talk about (hence the reason our lifespan is shortened due to health). Many men don’t have a good woman or friend to bounce these thoughts off of that would return sound spiritual advice without judging or holding over our heads, therefore most men just keep all their emotions bottled up. I was telling my friend sometimes I think I need depression medication, but then after I come down off my high (or low) then my problems would still exist, and I’d have to chase my next set of pills with alcohol (lol). Guess this post should have went to my crazy blog, but oh well. I’ll be back to normal shortly as my other personality usually resurfaces rather quickly.