MarriedandWhatnot

The older I get, the more I start to appreciate the journey, versus the destination. Recently I have grown fond of working on the lawn. It is trying, testing, grueling a times in this Texas heat, but rewarding nonetheless.

Last weekend I gathered some huge Flintstone type stones from a new housing development and attempted to arrange my flower bed. I took the leftover brick from our home build to outline the bed, and in the future plan on having my neighbor (son of a former brick mason) mortar it so it looks cleaner. Flowerbeds add character, but without healthy green grass the landscaped marriage is irrelevant. Who wants to be with some old lifeless, worn down grass?

I used to think lawn care was a simple as cutting the grass and watering the lawn, but I have learned that there are a lot of factors to take into consideration. How your grass behaves and grows heavily depends on your environment. Because of our region, we deal mainly with Bermuda & St. Augustine grass. To ensure my lawn thrives and is healthy, I make sure I use popular brand of seed/fertilizer.

A few weeks back I fought procrastination and finally applied some to our lawn. I used a broadcast spreader because it helps to spread seed evenly. It basically provides balance. Here are some of the benefits of seed:

- Feeds and strengthens against heat and drought.
- Kills weeds.
- Improves lawn’s ability to absorb water and nutrients.
- Builds strong, deep roots.

The problem with laying grass seed/fertilizer is you don’t see the results instantly. Takes cultivating – watering, trimming, removing dead areas. It is a constant cycle. You keep doing this until one day when you least expect it…you look back and notice the results. The bad areas are patched, the dead areas look alive, and the weeds are completely gone. It is alive and thriving. It parallels life.

I was listening to an old sermon where he went on a tangent about how some people live 30, 40, 50 years and continue to make the same stupid mistakes/excuses they made when they were younger. I understand his frustration. People always want to complain that they were tricked or bamboozled, yet don’t want to accept one iota of responsibility for how they manipulated to get into the situation. It is always somebody else’s fault. At what point do you get tired and want a change? At what point do you basically grow up and stop making excuses? At what point do you look at the common denominator in situations/relationships and understand that it is YOU not them?

I don’t mean to come across foul, but I get sick and tired of foolishness. Between family, friends, work and social networks, I am discovering people whine about everything. Hell, everyone’s life is hard. GET OVER IT!! I guess that is why I chuckled when I read the article about the old Chinese man who was tired of a guy contemplating suicide on a bridge, and pushed him off. I don’t blame him…I can’t stand drama either. Point is, no one has the ideal life, but we constantly fantasize about being in someone else’s shoes. The grass is always greener on the other side…pun intended. You spend all your time wanting to be celebrity, meanwhile the celebrity just wants peace and privacy. You spend all your time wanting to be in her shoes as his wife, but don’t want to make the sacrifices she made to be in her position. You spend all your time feeding her pipe dreams wanting her to fulfill your every selfish desire, but don’t want to step up and take responsibility to be the unselfish man God created you to be. You spend all your time complaining about your meager position in corporate America, but then don’t want to dedicate your spare time to higher education or additional certifications.

In all these situations, you have to assess what you really want. You can continue to just water and cut the grass and do nothing else with your life, or you can get some good seed and grow to the next level. May look like you will never get that promotion, or get through school. You feel like you will never get out of debt, or get a new car, or purchase a home. May feel like you will never find that right someone. Sometimes we are just not in the ideal situation, but we have to make due with what we have. You have to be persistent and consistent, but let me clarify that foremost you have to be wise…and wisdom only comes from Him. Without wisdom you can consistently and persistently do the wrong thing. Having wisdom means you recognize your limitations (e.g. my inability to lay mortar for the brick border). Wisdom means discerning when a door is shut and you need to stop tugging on it. Wisdom is recognizing some things in life are weeds that we need to pull up from the roots and completely discard.

Learn your environment and how to effectively grow there. Get yourself around a good broadcast spreader…those who will sow into you and help provide that balance. Develop a pattern of cultivating and pruning. Water yourself with things that will provide you with the nutrients to grow, versus staying in the past and tugging on closed doors (e.g. your feelings being hurt and still contacting/stalking an ex). You really get this Word seed in your spirit, then you will protect yourself in a drought. It will fill that void you have in times when you are tempted. Put yourself in a position to develop strong roots, and before you know it, your vision will manifest. That is when you can look back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. That is when you receive your breakthrough and understand the importance of your journey. In the end, the grass may look greener, but people have no clue what you went through to get your harvest.

Last night I watched one of my favorite pre-recorded shows on DVR (4th and Long). I like this show because it is about perseverance, getting second chances, and doing whatever it takes to achieve your goal. When the show was over I began doing some work on my laptop. My son had the station tuned on some station to watch wrestling, and after it went off  apparently some cheesy action movie came was on that I paid no attention to. I finished my work and laid on the couch to rest for a second, and realized this flick was one of Steven Seagal’s new films.

Immediately I began to laugh. For those who don’t know, Steven Seagal has been making martial arts/action movies since the late 80s. My ex Navy bro-in-law used to be a fan, so when I was younger we’d sit and watch flicks like Above The Law and Out for Justice. We never watched for the plot or acting; merely for the action (e.g. pool balls to the head). Next to Rudy Ray Moore (Dolemite), Steven Seagal is arguably one of the worst actors in our era.

I sat there in awe as I couldn’t believe he was still doing the same thing. It was apparent this was a direct-to-video movie, but the same premise nonetheless. As I watched him attempt to recreate a Cajun accent (which was absolutely hilarious) I thought to myself – I laugh, but this guy actually has the key to success in life. Steven is not the best at what he does. Acting is not his forte whatsoever, but he is good at martial arts. He basically worked with what he had…what he loved…what he was good at…and created a niche in the market. In essence, Steven Seagal discovered his purpose in life. No matter what people (critics) said to discourage him, he remained persistent and diligent at pursuing his goals…and 21 years from his first movie he still stands.

Discovering your purpose is one of the hardest things to do in life because people (friends, family, co-workers) tend to discourage you. You have to fight through peoples opinions for what you should be doing with your life and do what you feel you have been led to do. Once you discover that purpose, remove all excuses, then be diligent and relentless in the pursuit. No matter what you do in life…whether that be education, exercise, saving money, or rebuilding relationships…consistency brings about results.

Who would have ever thought you could extrapolate revelation from a Steven Seagal flick?

I actually wrote this post in two parts sense I felt it was sort of long. If visiting the post directly, click here to view part I.

This post was not intended to be a female bashing session because foolishness is a two-way street. Guys will sit here and use a female for their own selfish agenda, then get mad when things go belly up as well. They want the benefits of sex, with none of the consequences. Watch one of those Maury shows. I haven’t seen one in years, but I am quite sure the formula hasn’t changed. A guy gets hurt that he has a baby by a chick he merely viewed as a pleasure receptacle, then turns around like, “Maury, that baby ain’t mine. She’s a ho, a tramp, a slut, a batch. She smashed all the homies!”

I sit here thinking to myself…you knew she was superhead before you skinny dipped in camp crystal lake, so why did you continue? We (men) need to start being more accountable for our actions and stop deferring the blame. This is a lesson I am branding into my sons even at an early age. If you don’t want to be bothered with a female, don’t lead her on. Period. Don’t use her for sex, or companionship, or conversation, or food, or money, or anything of the sort. Don’t even be nice and lie. If you don’t want somebody, make it apparent and don’t leave loose strings to go back to.

Men tend to have exit strategies, or what I call the west coast offense. The west coast offense is an offensive philosophy which broke the norm at the time it was introduced by stretching the defense out using a horizontal passing attack. I won’t get much into the theory, but once you start learning the offense there are a series of check-downs the QB is taught; with the RB always being a last resort to dump the ball off. Men employ this west coast offense with women. The game has evolved. Men set up the field to keep women on their toes and always have an outlet to fall back on; thus the reason communication lines are not cut. I have always told my wife no matter how crazy an ex is, if you really want someone out of your life you will make it so they are not part of your life.

One of the things we are stressing with our sons is to leave females alone if you don’t like them. Don’t even be nice because females take things differently. Your smile and trying to be nice could be a sign to her you want to leave your woman and marry her. Seriously. My wife can explain this a lot better than I am trying to articulate, but women by their very nature are incubators. They are constructed to give birth. So once you (as a man) says something to a woman it sits there and incubates. That is why an argument is NEVER over with a woman. That is why when a woman becomes silent you should be worried (lol). That is why it is important we are careful what we say to women. You can’t tell a girl you love her, then renege. Their brains don’t work in the same manner ours does. Once you say something, it is too late to play cleanup. Women tend to take things, run with it, and manipulate it to their liking. Then we wonder why we have a psycho on our hands.

Of course I can’t blame them. Look at how we have evolved as men. How we treat them. How we pimp them out on magazines and movies, and hell in life. How we ignore their needs and do what is in our own best interest. Man to man, we have been acting like jackasses.

This relationship thing is not as hard as we make it out to be. We just get impatient and move when our instinct tells us to stand still. Sometimes I think God looks at us and says, “You don’t know me!” then removes hand. Then we wonder why everything is so chaotic. Almost like having a hard-headed child that you keep telling to stop running in the kitchen. One day you get tired of telling him to stop…then he slips and busts his tail.

I don’t subscribe to the notion that – I didn’t know. I didn’t know he/she was like that. I didn’t know he/she was crazy. Boo. You knew, but chose to ignore because your desire (personal need) was greater than what you know you discerned from the beginning. My wife always preaches/teaches about choice. Everything in life boils down to a choice. Yes, you have a choice in every situation. You can choose to surf the internet and stay on social networks all day or choose to read a book, develop your mind and invest time wisely. You can choose to eat junk food and not exercise, or choose to eat healthy and attempt to be fit. You can choose to know and learn the person you are dating before you sleep with them, or choose to ignore the signs and simply – do you. You can choose to accept foolishness in relationships, or choose to move past it and walk towards your purpose. It is all a choice.

“You don’t know me!!” – A common emotional phrase that when spoken, usually signifies frustration and anger. But this post is not about urban linguistics…this post today is about male/female relationships. I have no idea how it feels to be single, so these comments are strictly observational. I am the first to admit that I attempt to show empathy, but I have short tolerance for ignorance.

I have not had to date for well over 10 years now (thank the Lord) so I still approach this new culture and e-dating with naivety. When I courted my wife we still had pagers, still had the curly antennas on the back windshields of cars, and had the cell phones that became so hot you thought your ear lobe would keloid. E-mail was not popular or common and heck many people I knew didn’t even have computers. I grew up in the era where you called your girl, let it ring twice, hung up, then called back. We had codes (this was before caller id). A lot has changed since then in the way we communicate. Social networks appear to be the new high school now. You have cliques, you hear gossip, and now you even receive breaking relationship news. It is normal now to find out who is divorced, separated, or is going through a breakup via electronic means. Blows my mind to read Facebook statuses and blogs and watch two people verbally (subtly) fight one another over the affection of a third. Not teenagers…adults.

The other day I watched this show on MTV where stupid parents take their kids to speak with Dr. Drew so he can warn them about the irresponsible path they are traveling down by having sex (ironic that most of the advice for teens should also be adhered to by adults). This episode was a single mom and her promiscuous son. It was apparent his lack of enthusiasm for a relationship was due to watching his mother ruin two marriages. They created a focus group comprised of his peers (young teen girls). They put in a video of this guy flirting and bragging about how easy it is for him to have girls play his meat trumpet to see their reactions. At the end of the video they invited the young man in the room and gave him their opinions.

My wife and I sat there shaking our heads as it was obvious how hurt these girls were in previous relationships by their reactions. I turned to my wife and told her, “The sad part is they are expending all this energy lashing out, but these are the same girls who would mess with him. They know he is not about anything but I guarantee 10 out of the 12 in that room would blow some notes on his meat trumpet once the cameras turn off.” This evolved into a discussion about how women see that a guy is not about anything, but still continues to move forward. Women (all ages) see numerous signs, but chose to ignore them because they think they know everything. A woman will straight ignore the advice from a man, telling you how men think, but will run to whomever will pacify them and justify their nonsense. Females are quick to say – he led me on, he was a different person, he said he loved me – when they knew what he was about before they dove into the relationship. It’s like a girl getting pregnant by a man with 9 kids, then getting mad when he doesn’t stay around. You knew the pattern before you got involved, but you were so smart and thought you could manipulate the situation. And for the professional women out there with no kids shaking their heads in agreement, this isn’t just a babymoma thing. Grown, educated, professional women still make the same stupid mistakes with men in relationships by forcing a hand that didn’t exist. You can have more degrees than a thermometer and still be stupid when it comes to relationships.

There was another that came on called College Life. These college kids have cameras and document their freshman year; frustrations, relationships, etc. The one female has a (too long to type) relationship with her ex boyfriend. While talking into the camera about the disgust of this estranged fellow, she broke into a tearful prayer. Why is it we deliberately ignore God’s word concerning relationships, but then it goes belly up and we want to scream, “Lord why have you forsaken me? Please kill his new girlfriend in a car crash with the USPS truck, then make him have a series of mild heart attacks…but not enough to kill him. Just enough for him to realize I am the one for him. I walk by the shadow of the valley but meditate on your heart and by your stripes I declare victory over this new chick!”

I joke, but it is not even funny. The problem is this new era of technology where everyone can mask who they really are. Lying wasn’t just invented this past decade, but being able to create your cyper personna is like Pinocchio with no growing nose. People posting pictures from 15 years ago, folks lying about their age, social status and beliefs. Heck, everyone could technically say – you don’t know me. I believe most new relationships fail due to these false pretenses. These fake identities. When it boils down to it, both men and women tend to be (little white) liars, selfish & manipulative in new relationships in order to fill whatever void they need at that point in their life. Everybody wants to do what feels good in the moment. The problem is the consequences of bad choices. Being with the wrong person can completely alter your destiny.

To be continued…