What can brown do for you?

When I first started this blog, my intention was to speak about married life with kids. The good and bad. Well, not so much the bad as I am a private guy, but I can share some stuff. Of course I don’t have all the answers, and there are many things that boggle my mind as I attempt to learn about my better half. There are some things that intrigue me and I will never understand about women. Sometimes do you ever wonder why someone of the opposite sex feels a certain way? For instance, what is it about females that makes them wake up and cook a huge breakfast, clean, and hug all over their man when he hits her spot right that night before? It’s like you break open a geyser that releases this desire in her to…

I’ll leave that thought there. Enough of that though, I want to talk about my children. First you need to understand a tad bit about me. I am a simple guy. I like to dip my pizza in ranch, love any type of hot wings, eat spicy foods with the best of them, and can devour E.L. Fudge cookies like a fat girl whose boyfriend just left her. That seems normal enough, however I have many quirks. I like to get dirty outside…wood staining, painting, mud, cars, fishing, sex, sports, whatever…however, I am an absolute clean freak indoors. I wash my hands before and after (you can figure that one out). I also have certain words that I just DO NOT like to say. I don’t know if it is how it sounds coming out or what, but the short list of words I never ever ever say are – penis, boo boo, doo doo, poo poo, child support & certain peoples names (I can’t even type). I am sure there are more words, but for the most part I can’t stand those. I find any other creative way to word it without saying those words (lol). Among my many internal issues (personalities), I mention my vocabulary and clean freak tendancies for a reason. How I absolute LOVE having boys, they are so disgusting!!

I label them 1-4. One (9 yrs old) is pretty cool however he has tendencies that I will discuss later. Two (6 yrs old) is the one we dub Mr. Clean. Homeboy don’t play. His skin literally squeaks when he gets out the tub, and he is clean from behind his ears to his feet. Three (3 yrs old) is just the opposite. He is one nasty child. And four (2 yrs old) is still a BeBe kid in diapers. I call him our little terrorist as he has been prone to push people off trampolines, off bikes, punch em in the face when they carry away to his solitaire chamber (aka the playpen).

Before I dive in, I just want to put a DISCLAIMER. If you just ate, or about to eat stop reading now.

My sons have cute mannerisms, but they are absolutely disgusting at times. They have a tendency to bond while performing a BM (bowel movement). They start joking and laughing…talking about each other. Like this is the appropriate place. My bathroom is my office slash sanctuary. Theirs is a comedy club. When we first started teaching them to wipe, we had ’em using baby wipes. Well that was a disaster as they clogged the toilet. Please don’t get me started on how disgusting that day was when they flooded the bathroom floor. No disrespect to the survivors, but that joker looked like the streets of Katrina. Mrs and I was going off (verbal assassins) as it took us forever to clean. So we changed it up and had them put it in the trash can, then tie up and empty when done. Another failed experiment as they would go through a box of wipes in 2-3 days. That stuff adds up. We go to change baby, and these cats done used every wipe in the house. They are just…UGH. So now we got them on TP. This is so wrong because I promise I will share this with them when they get older.

For starters, I had to go completely off on them (again) because they have a tendency to wipe their little tail, while standing near the bathroom door (and sometimes the hallway) to talk to their brothers or see what they are doing. I can’t tell you how many times I told them to shut the door. So what do boys do? Make a game out of opening and slamming the door while one is on the toilet. Opening the door just to throw balls in like grenades. So we had this chat about not being by the door, and they STILL walk over by the mirror. Like take your little s___y tail over by the toilet, and stop looking in the mirror. Wiping ain’t cute!!

Number 1 is pretty good at cleaning up, but he has a tendency to take my favorite books (for example Tony Dungy’s book) in there with him. I don’t want to discourage he kid from reading, but come on now. I just let him have the book like forget it. I don’t even want that joker now. Number #2 I really don’t have any complaints about. He cleans well, and washes his hands thoroughly. But that third joker? Wow. First of all he tears off ONE sheet of TP. Yes, the the tiny square. Granted his booty small, but he be laying some construction worker logs. I mean seriously, one time he was just in there giggling. Mrs said, “J, come here and look at this child.” I swear this joker was so unreal I have no idea how it stayed up in his body. All his brothers came to see like it was a big family event. And yes, I am so so ignorant because I took a picture with my cell phone so we can add it to his babybook (hahaha). That had to break a Guinness record for his size because as old as I am, I never achieved a feat like that. It must have felt so good out his system that he couldn’t stop laughing (hence the middle name Isaac). Thing is he was acting like a little batch for a couple days, so apparently he was backed up.

Back to the story…he is just nasty. I can’t tell you how many times we have to say, “Did you wash your hands?” and he pauses and responds,“Opps!” Absolutely disgusting child. We always make him take a bath afterwards just in case. He also is prone to have minor accidents due to either not getting there on time, mistaking it for gas, or just being lazy wiping. So this cat will hide his underwear in the laundry…deep in there…with chunks in there. Boy, the mrs be going OFF!!! She wears gloves when doing their laundry because it is so disgusting. And dude good for going through all his clean underwear, then finding his older brothers and wearing them. I’d punch him if I were them. Like I told my old lady, it is amazing I still hug and kiss that child as much as I do. I tell you sometimes kids make you crazy. One minute you want to just put packaging tape on their forehead and leave them on the front lawn for UPS to ship them to Kuwait, then want to hug and kiss them the next minute.

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One response to “What can brown do for you?

  1. Now that is funny, I have sons too and I thought there was something I was missing. I was thinking of having them committed for some of the disgusting things they do in the bathroom. I swear they delight on who is the nastiest. hahaha

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