Ice cream. Alone it sucks, but you jam some cookies in that joker and you are starting to work with something. Sort of like playing with/by yourself. You can, but it is much more fun with someone else. So with ice cream, it has to be swimming in a molten lava of fudge. Preferably a brownie or cake somewhere in the neighborhood. Real fat guys know it has nothing to do with appearance, but everything to do with taste. Say for instance crisp. We like anything crisp – apple crisp, blueberry crisp. Almost anything crisp except burnt. However there are some foods which are good with a tinge of burnt. Pan fried polish sausage for example. We also like our chicken crisp, or should I say deep fried. Nobody wants that healthy grilled crap unless it is chopped up in a salad and drowning in Italian dressing. Italian…which is better suited for toasted Italian subs. We also like our egg rolls crisp with the appropriate sweet duck or pink sauce to dip it in. Never give a fat person a nugget or anything dip-able without a minimum of two dunking sauces.
Pizza is the food of us commoners and ingredients will vary per person. The majority of pizzas out there must be topped with additional red pepper & parmesan…but don’t stop there. You have to dip it in ranch. I know what you are thinking. Ranch is for buffalo wings. Not so fast my friend. Blue cheese is the perfect compliment for our tasty spicy treats. Don’t fool yourself…there is a difference. Just like people disrespecting hamburgers but putting ketchup on them. No, no, no. Mustard is made for hot dogs, brats and burgers. Ketchup is just décor to add color to the table. Now I will admit, every now and then I feel a little naughty and I may place a dab on my plate and dip fries into it. That is a rare occasion though. Most of the time I am just trying to absorb the flavors of my burger which has to be topped with, at minimum, lettuce and tomato. If you want to really get your taste buds going, slap some red onion on there. Nothing like the tangy sweet taste. I also like to drink a milkshake with it. It almost acts as x-tacy or something…and brings out the flavor in the burger.
But enough of the chicken & cow…what about our friend the pig? Yes we like our pigs chopped, pulled and bbq’d. Sometimes we even spread it over a bed of nachos and drizzle it with all the fixin’s including melted shredded cheddar cheese. We like everything extra…extra sauce, extra meat, extra toppings, and can never can get enough extra cheese. Vegetables must have butter, salt, or be deep fried. Oreos must be dipped in milk. There is no exception to this rule. We like cookies preferably fresh out the oven but store bought will suffice. Chocolate chip, Rangers, Neiman’s, Pepperidge Farm, Keebler, Girl Scouts, it don’t matter.
We like kool-aid, lemonade, lemonade-tea, beer, and if our drinks are carbonated, any strong soda will do. The choice varies from one fat person to the next. Some like Pepsi, others like Dr. Pepper. I am one that hates the aftertaste of Diet sodas so you’ll never catch one in my vicinity. And when it is all said and done, like this blog post, it is time to retire.