I needed to do some work prior to work, therefore I purchased one of those tiny bottles of energy drink I have seen near store checkout. I carefully read the ingredients as I wanted to make sure my heart didn’t pound so hard I could hear it nor my flesh to become hot/flush (actual side effects). Feeling exhausted and at a breaking point, I snapped the lid and took a swig. Ugh. Tasted like Kool-Aid made with Splenda. Had that same diet soda aftertaste that I can not stand. I manage to chug it so I can provide an assessment, while being pessimistic thinking it won’t work in minutes like the package states. I sat on the edge of my desk while reading, and didn’t realize how swiftly my legs were kicking. Thinking it was just exhaustion, I stood up. My foot began to pat vigorously. At this point thinking to myself…damn this stuff actually works. I start to drum on my desk like Travis Barker. No high hats, just straight snare solos. I tried to suppress my crackhead-ish jitters…which started with scratching like Tyrone Biggums…to being paranoid someone was behind me. At this point I knew I had to stop reading and get some of this energy out.
I managed to squeeze in a minor workout prior to coming to work. Famished and not in the vicinity of healthy food, I pulled into the local Sonic. Somehow everything on the left side of the menu seemed appealing, but I settled for a bistro sandwich. Parked my car and walked 5 blocks to work (downtown). For some reason I became focused on items on the ground, so as I maneuvered around dead leaves and bird droppings, this woman walked by talking to herself. She mumbled something and her breath smelled like she had been drinking stagnate toilet water. I had no idea why this –itty breath projected so far, but it was almost if she swallowed a log of digested food. Was it the energy drink? Did it somehow enhance my senses? I thought back to the first (and last) time in college I smoked with some crazy white boys in my dorm, and became so high when I played my football video game later that night I had to put the controller down because I thought I was in the game and didn’t want to get hurt. “Take me out coach!”
I get to work and unfortunately discover 5-Hour doesn’t suppress annoying co-workers; it intensifies them. My face began to hurt smiling at un-humorous attempt to be witty. Too dang early in the morning to be smiling…I been up practically all night. I have a brief fantasy of punching him with one of those oversized gimic boxing gloves…filled with marbles. On my way to a team meeting, I walk past this office and see an old school electric pencil sharpener and think to myself…WWPD – what would Pinocchio do? Was he the life of the puppet party? Did he get drunk and do dares? I could just hear them now, “Stick your nose in it P…I dare you!” My mind is all over the place at this point. How am I thinking about Pinocchio before 9am? I arrived at our team meeting, and I couldn’t help but to zone out until everything became a murmur. Bored out my mind, I had an urge to play musical chairs. I thought to myself, how cool it would be if we all turned into cartoons like the Dungeon’s and Dragons cartoon from the 80s, then we’d play musical chairs with the loser of each round falling through a trap door into a pit of alligators, and me standing on the table holding the conference phone over my head like Excalibur as the victor.
Even though I catch myself at times talking fast as John Moschitta Jr. (Micro Machines guy), the Sonic seemed to be watering down my high. What if I crash? What if at 4:59 I was wired, then at 5:00 on the dot I just passed out at my desk in the middle of a conversation…smacking my keyboard against the monitor with lazy arms.
My assessment? I guess overall I’d have to say it worked…being I typed this post in less than 5 mins. Wonder what would happen if I took one of these before sex? I’d probably morph into a chick afterwards and sit up TALKING about how I read the package, turned into a crackhead drummer who liked diet soda flavored caffeine drinks before working out and molesting a Sonic menu with his thoughts…shortly followed by giving a woman Listerine oral care suggestions in my mind while dodging bird crap in the sidewalk, reminiscing about college bongs…then scarfing down an unhealthy breakfast while avoiding unfunny jokes and visualizing a co-worker being knocked out by the old Mike Tyson, thinking about how Pinocchio kicked it in the wood hood once he turned 21 while playing musical chairs as a cartoon in a team meeting and wondering what ever happened to that Micro Machine guy?
I may have to lay off the caffeine.