The Case of the Missing Buns

Common – “Stolen Moments Pt. 1”

There was a Hardy boy mystery I was tryin’ to solve
Can’t understand who the **** was involved
Back from a show I had came, hopped off the plane
In my mind home was pictured and rest was the frame
At the mound I stand vocal pitch high
Asking – who done it?

But in this case…there is no rest. I present to you a mystery. In the same fashion of Shutter Island, an item mysteriously disappeared from our house almost as if it vanished into thin air.  We have a suspect in custody, but can’t prove what happened.

Yesterday I was talking to the mrs on the way home from work and stopped to get a few groceries. I picked up several items, including a pack of hamburger buns. Usually when I arrive home I am greeted by all my little minions…a routine I’ve grown fond of even if I have had a bad day. I instruct them to retrieve the groceries which usually results in a battle to see who can get their shoes on the fastest. The children then rush to put the groceries in their proper place so they can be nosy and see what new snacks I purchased.

This morning as I prepared for work, the mrs kindly fussed at me about a missing grocery item as I am always forgetting something. But this time when she told me what it was, I immediately stated I know for a fact I picked up the item in question. I then asked to review the receipt while instructing the oldest to go back out to the vehicle and see if the buns fell out.

I started to assess the facts. I stuffed the receipt in one of the bags, and I recall #3 unfolding it while carrying it over to a basket on the counter. I’d review the evidence later. My oldest walked back in and stated he didn’t see anything out there, but he did recall #4 bringing the bread bag in yesterday. He was my character witness.

In the past I have had to instruct my oldest to let #4…our 3yr old…bring one of the lighter bags in so he won’t feel left out. Which I really didn’t have to do as he would have just bullied his way to a bag anyways. This kid is like a little kingpin running the house from his short stature. He is an absolute parenting challenge as he is awake when I fall asleep and up before I awake. It’s like this child never sleeps. And he will ask for stuff non-stop. I was late for work the other day and he had this whimper cry that he does when he wants something. I ask what he wants…hoping it was something simple like juice…and he pinned me against the fridge and responded, “Daddy I want egg sam-mich with cheeze and chips and drink.” I mean literally gave me an order like this is the IHOP or something.

He is also physically strong and fearless, which is a trait of kingpins. He will jump on the oldest (10 yrs old) and spar and wrestle with him for hours…then go back to the others once he gets his weight up and beat the crap out of them screaming THIS IS SPARTA!!! as he plants his foot on their chests and kicks them off their Wii. I created a post about this joker before entitled – 40 mins in the life of a 2yr old terrorist.

Back to the case. I analyzed the evidence with my wife and recalled her fussing at #4 yesterday for squishing the loaf of bread I brought home, which happened to have the buns in the same bag. So we know he is the culprit, but just don’t know where he put the buns. We questioned the kingpin this morning, but of course he was devoid of answers. He would not budge and told us, “You pigs will never take me alive!”

Try interrogating a toddler. No seriously, try it.

I will keep you posted on the investigation as more clues come about…


2 responses to “The Case of the Missing Buns

  1. **** MYSTERY SOLVED ****

    In Bill Dukes (Menace II Society) fashion….

    kingpin: I didn’t even have a record, but when they fingerprinted me the cops matched my prints from that bread I dropped in the kitchen the night of the robbery.

    mom dukes: Now listen to me you little b. I’m going to ask you real simple questions and I want some real simple answers. Do you understand?

    mom dukes: So let me get this right. You brought the bread into the house at 6:15?

    kingpin: Yes, I brought the bread and accidentally dropped it.

    mom dukes: You brought the bag of bread in at 615?

    kingpin: At 615, yeah, at 615, yeah.

    mom dukes: Then why wasn’t the bread cleaned off the floor? Why did we still find it spilled there on the floor after the disappearance?

    kingpin: After we were leaving, after I left, other people were coming in after we were leaving.

    mom dukes: But you don’t remember what they looked like?

    kingpin: I don’t remember…

    mom dukes: But you brought the bread in definitely at 7:15?

    kingpin: Yeah. I bought the bread at 7:15 exact if i am not mistaken.

    mom dukes: Now you see something. Now you see now, you done f’d up now. Naw I’m saying, you done f’d up now you know that don’t you?

    kingpin: The more questions mom duke asked, the more I didn’t think I would ever see daylight again. I was just waiting for her to tell me she saw me do it. But without the tape, they had nothing!


    **** SPOILER ALERT ****

    I received an email from the mrs. She stated #3 was questioning the kingpin. Number #3 broke him down and received a confession, however he could not decipher where the stash was. He just said the kingpin kept pointing up. Lead Detective Mom Dukes then instructed #1 to climb up on the cabinet and he discovered the kingpin apparently threw them all the way on top of the cabinet above the refrigerator. Which also solves two cases as we now know why the other loaf of bread was damaged so badly.

    So let’s step back through this case. The groceries were being put up. The kingpin must have been standing there in the midst of all the choas watching his brothers scramble to put all the items in the pantry, freezer, etc. Wanting to be a big boy (kingpin) he decided to take responsibility for the items in his bag. He grabs the loaf of bread out and figures he would probably get in trouble trying to grab a stool and put it on top of the fridge (where we keep it) so he decides to swing it like the hammer throw in track & field…and toss it on top. Only problem was his attempt failed and the force caused the bread loaf to crumble. He looks in the bag and sees the hamburger buns, which appear to be smaller in size. He begins to spin in his hand. This time he will not fail. What he didn’t count on was his little super human strength launching it above the fridge onto the cabinet…out of sight.

    Case solved.

  2. Dude! Leave the baby along. You going to make him step his game up and cause all out war on the fam…LOL

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